He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I need a burrito and a hug.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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