My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
