my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
