Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
