allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
