He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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