i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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