I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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