she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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