3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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