I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
