WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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