I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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