Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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