i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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