I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
