omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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