A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
