I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
