I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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