Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
