Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
