A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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