If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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