NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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