You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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