last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
