i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
