Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
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