my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
