I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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