you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
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