apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
