He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.