I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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