i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
