I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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