What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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