I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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