so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
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Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
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I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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