Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
