my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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