Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I party with great urgency now.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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