I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
