Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He kissed a someone with a penis
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
