Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
