she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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