you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.