Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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