The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
