I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
