There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
