The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
