Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
