I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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